Before I went in to hospital in February I wrote a letter to each of my boys in case anything happened. In them I laid out what was happening and why.
So I am in again on Tomorrow and want to do the same.
My wonderful, amazing boy. You are my first born the one who taught me how joyful, exhausting and blissful motherhood can be. You are a light that sparkles through all the darkness and calls out bringing happiness and innocence all in one great big parcel.
I want you to know just how special and unique you are and how much I enjoy being with you, learning with you and watching you develop in to a very special someone. You never cease to amaze me with your ability and thirst for knowledge. The way you see the world is so new and I am honored to be here with you for this journey and experiance.
I want you to know that I love you with every drop of rain that falls and every cloud in the sky and every sunbeam that shines through, with every breath of my being. I also want you to know that I like you. I like your enthusiasm and your thirst for life. I like being part of our little team, councillor Amidala to your Obi Wan. I like the running races, the bum sliding, the swings, the reading, the crafting, the singing, the dancing, the roundabouts, the scootering, the paddling, the star gazing. I like all of it even the tears and frustration of being a four year old.
I dont have many wants for you, just to be happy, to find a special someone and to experiance life to the full.
With all my love Mummy
Mini you are a whirlwind, a cheeky, lively and loving young man. You bring joy and laughter wherever you go. People love your happy face and happy go lucky ways. You are a dancer, you are an amazing and unique person.
You are such a tryer, unwilling to let maximad be older, you want to be right there beside your brother and are such a tenacious wonder. You insist on doing things for yourself, you always have and you will persevere until you manage. You are headstrong like me and are a perfect cuddler. You have such empathy and ability to read people and situations. You have an innate ability to do the right thing.
I watch you dance and sign and can barely conceal my joy at your ability to move with the rhythm and clap along to songs that you make up as you go along. You are never far from an instrument and bring music to life for me and MadDad day and night. I love watching you draw and craft, you have such concentration.
I want you to know that I love you more than words could ever say, more than I can put in to words, but along with that I like spending time with you and I like the person you are becoming. I like the fact that you are always the centre of a group and can chat to any and everyone. I like dancing, singing and making lots of noise with you, I like the fact that you want to be the Star Wars baddie, happy in the knowledge that you enjoy being bad and good! I like the extra cuddles in the night and waking with you tucked in beside me. I like skipping, chalking, talking, drumming, painting, running, baking and being with you. You are a joy.
Again all I ask of you is to you out and experience life, to try and be happy and to find someone special who you can love.
With all my love Mummy
Now why I am doing this, having another some may say unnecessary operation. Why can I just not go on as I am. Well firstly I am having some additional breast tissue removed from my right breast area, if all the tissue is removed the chances of any cancer are reduced to 6% so it is in all our interests to have this removed ASAP. I am also having some work done on the scaring at the front of where the double mastectomy was done. This is so I can wear my prosthetics without the bra strap rubbing and making me very very sore. Yes this is for cosmetic purposes, but I am doing this so that I can start to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I dont want people looking at me, I dont want you growing up and having to explain to your friends why mummy has no breasts. I want to choose weather I wear my prosthetics today or not and when I do wear them I dont want them to hurt or to be too aware off them.
Now I know that you think mummy's scars are cool now, but I am doing this for us all as a family and like last time, this is the right thing to do for us all at this time.
I hope with all my heart that there are no complications this time and that everything runs smoothly, but just in case I want you to have this, these words, so that you may one day come to understand what I have done and why.
We are a family, you are my life.
PS for anyone wondering the cards in the boys hears read:
MaxiMad, you have such a strong mind and soft heart
MiniMad, your heart beats with the rhythm of your soul
There are no words that can express the way I feel about you, so it would be foolish to even try. My earth, wind and fire. My soul mate and my best friend. Companion and lover forever more.