The odd one out

I have that follow feeling in my tummy, the one I describe to the boys as butterflies, but truth be told it isn't.  It is a physical pain caused by dropping them off at the school door each morning.  At least today Mini went in without the tears and upset of last week, at least Maxi always runs to be in, but I walk away with a heavy heart and a hollow emptiness that nothing can fill.

I used to have a career when we lived down South, I was a successful Facilities Manager and my colleagues were shocked by the fact that I was pregnant.  I was the most un-maternal woman in the building, but my love for  my boys has been a slow burner.  I never had a POW feeling when they were born.  They never swept me off my feet with a barrage of warm feelings, but these feelings have grown and developed as I have had the pleasure of learning to be a parent and now I am consumed with overwhelming and unconditional love for them both.  There are days when I might not like them, but I do and always will love them.

I enjoy their company and the time we spend doing, making, playing, baking and just being together.  I fear I am becoming a bore, a lonely, sad mother.  Yes that is what the issue is I am lonely.  I do have friends here, but they have both just gone full time at work, so I am left on my own during the day and I am sad.

I am looking for part time work to help pass the time and to try and make new friends, but it easier said than done.  I have applied for positions, only to be told I am over qualified and to be left feeling even more worthless than I feel anyway.  Before now I have only ever had positive interviews, but I live in an area of high unemployment and my skills although transferable are not as sought after as they should be.  Coupled with the fact that I want to collect the boys from school, well it makes getting a job pretty much impossible (or that is the feeling I have).

So on Wednesday I start 2 mornings a week helping out with the reception children at the school and I am looking forward to it.  I hope that it will help lift my mood and stop me coming home with tears in my eyes.

Worse still are the people who say take some time to do things you want to do, well I WANT to be with my children, I don't want to pamper myself or go for a run, I want to cuddle my boys.  I want to wallow in this self pity.  I don't want to clean the house or do the ironing.  I want to go to the park and find shells with the boys on the beach.  I want more children, which I can not have.

I am mourning the loss of her children.  The woman who has marked the calender and is looking forward in an unnatural way to half term.  I listen to the other mums talking about their children being at school and I feel nothing in common with them at all.  I do not relish the start of the school day or dread the clock ticking closer to collection time, in fact I feel the opposite and look forward to collecting the boys and visiting the park.

So in a lot of ways I guess I am the odd one out.

My Top Tips for Starting School

I feel like an expert, now I have survived the first four days of both the boys going to school, so I am compiling my top tips for starting school, so I can remember them for next year (oh and look back on them after the each half term break)!


School clothes

I have the boys school clothes hung in their wardrobes in sets and they get them out the night before along with a pair of underpants and socks.  I also get my own clothes out the night before. 

School shoes

I am a big fan of the spray on protector and then we use good old leather polish.  The boys help me clean their shoes every Friday, yes it can be messy but a lot of fun too.

School Bag and Coat

We have hangers at child's eye level and I make the children hang up their coats when the come in from school.  We also have a set place for their book bags too.

Dinner Money

Many schools will accept dinner money, weekly, monthly or on a term by term basis.   I pay monthly, that way I don't have to worry about change every Monday morning.  The same with snack money.

Dates

I swear by my Organised Mum Family Calender, which runs from September until the following December and I love using the stickers that come with it.   I make sure I record the whole school years dates on it as soon as I get them.  I also record class mates birthdays etc the week before they take place so that I get cards and presents sorted.

Exercise, fresh air and sustenance is important after school

I always find that the boys behave pretty well at school (I know I am not sure who they swap them with), but they do need to let off steam afterwards, so I make sure that weather permitting we go home via the park and that I also pack drinks and a snack as the boys are always hungry (but then they are boys).  If it is raining that I will take their wellies and we can puddle jump on the way home.

Sleep, Sleep and More Sleep

I am a sticker for going to bed a decent hour, not only do the boys need their sleep, but I need my down time too.  I had to wake Mini this morning at 7.30, he had been asleep more than 12 hours!

Breakfast

There are studies that have proved that a good breakfast is key to learning.  I have to say I thought I had it covered, as Maxi is a porridge every morning boy, but Mini is another matter, getting him to eat anything is a challenge on a morning!

Don't expect too much after school for the first two weeks.

It is hard to transition back to going to school, so don't expect your children to do much after school for the first couple of weeks.  Be patient and know that they will be tired and ratty.

I would love to hear your top tips for surviving back to school after the holidays.

PS Sorry for the poor picture, Mini stood on my camera!

_linkur

The Gallery - One Day in August 2010

Not the best picture in the world, but this was taken on MadDad's phone on Sunday evening after a week of sickness in TheMadHouse.

The reason I chose this is it is in stark contrast to the the images that Josie, Sian and Eva (working with Save the Children) who travelled to to Bangladesh on this Sunday will see.

9 million children under 5 die from illness like my family suffered from last week, just look a this post about the children in Addin Hospital .

School Shoes from Clarks

A while ago I was asked if I would post a video from Clarks about the six steps to shoe fitting, to which I responded honestly that we hadn't actually been to a Clarks shop  in more than two years due to a very bad experience with Mini and that we used the local independent shoe shop.

I was really surprised when the PR responded with the fact the Clarks would like the boys to go for a fitting and would sent a voucher towards the cost of the boys shoes.

So on Saturday we set off to have the boys feet measured and get some shoes from our local Clarks shop.  Now shoe fitting with the boys is not a great experience any day of the week, but a shoe shop on a Saturday the week before school starts is usually some fresh hell in my book.

We walked into the store at 1.30 in the afternoon and my it was busy, but I was really surprised to find out that there was more than enough staff and we were next to be served.  The boys were measured and fitted by Beka, who was wonderful.  She made sure she asked the boys what their names were and used it throughout the fittings with them.

Before she went to get the shoes from the store area, she checked if there were any that we preferred and I mentioned that I liked the ones with the rubber bumper at the front.  She also brought out trainers and plimsolls for the boys to try too.  Beka returned with two pairs of shoes to try and before popping them on asked which one I preferred.  I have to say that Beka was really thorough with ensuring the fit was correct and showed me the growing room in each pair of shoes.  When she was unsure about the fit she asked for the Manager to come across and check the fit and alternative plimsoll's were tried instead.

We actually came away from the shop with 2 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of trainers and a pair of plimsolls for the boys which cost a total of £121.00, although we had a £50 voucher towards the cost.

So do I feel confident in posting the video now, well yes I do.  I was also glad that I watched it before I took the boys for their fitting too.

Hearing but not Listening

My boys, especially MiniMad seem to have issues with listening. I and the preschool were so concerned with Mini's hearing that he was referred to an Audiologist.

Thankfully it turned out that Mini's hearing was perfect, although it took four different attempts to get him to co-operate with the tests.  You could see that he was hearing the sounds, he just refused to acknowledge them!

The Audiologist was a lovely lady who went on to explain that she sees now boys than girls and that they can hear, they just don't listen.   They tune out or focus on other things.

So what can I do about making the boys not only hear what I say to them, but also listen and take notice of it.

1)  I have been getting down to their level.  When I have something important to say I get on my knees.

2)  I gently turn mini's head to my face and ask him to listen and watch what I am saying.  I try to keep eye contact.

3)  I have been keeping it simple.  I am trying to say what I need in the least words possible.

4)  By keeping a good tone and not shouting, over lent I tried to give up shouting and it was pretty effective, but I am guilty of slipping.

5)  By rewarding listening with praise.

6)  By responding with the unexpected.

I am also going to try writing notes, especially for things that I keep having to repeat myself on. ie hanging up coats.  The boys have a low peg in the entrance for their coats but at the moment they just keep running in and dropping them, so I am going to leave a note on the door to the living room asking them to hang up their coats.

So what are your children like, do they listen to you, or do you sound like a stuck record?  How do you get round this? I would really appreciate all your hints and tips.

Wordless Wednesday - A big Thankyou

Just look at this wonderful drawing I received from the very clever Suzie over at Itch 2 Stitch.  We adore it and have framed it and popped it for all to see.

Bringing out the Lioness in me

Just don't go upsetting my cubs in front of me, as it will bring out the lioness in me.  She has surfaced this week and I am still upset and angry about how my boys, Mini in particular has been treated.

Every Monday there is a youth group at the local church and although I don't attend church, I want the boys to have experience of church and the fact that this is help in the church itself, rather than a hall really appealed to me, in such that it demystifies such a quiet place.

So I registered the boys and they went for the first time a fortnight ago.  They had a great time, I collected them, no one said anything to me, apart from the fact that it wasn't on last week.  

So we got all ready to go this week, after taking Maxi to the doctors.  We arrived and I apologised for being slightly late (the GP ran over, nothing unusual there) and the boys went to play with their friends, when a lady stopped Mini and told him, he wasn't allowed to stay.

She brought him to me and told me he was too young and they went insured, but there are other four year olds attending, so I questioned her and said how could mini be too young and the others aren't?  She then went on to say that it is a health and safety issue and he asked for help in wiping his bottom.  At this point he burst in to tears.  Now he doesn't ask for help at school and yes occasionally at home he will ask for us to "check" his bottom (to be fait Maci does now and again too), so I said that it was possibly down to him being in a new environment.  To which she responded "we don't want him here and I have spoke to the Vicar".  I asked her why she hadn't telephoned me prior to our coming and that this wasn't an appropriate conversation to have in front of everyone, but she wouldn't budge.  She was happy for Maxi to stay, but not Mini.

So I took both boys home with me and it then took me an hour to calm Mini down.  All the time Maxi was telling him he would help wipe his bottom if that was all that stopped them from going.  Mini wanted to know why they don't want him, what has he done wrong, don't they like him?  I managed to hold it together until MadDad got in and then that was that I was in tears telling him what happened.

I couldn't find the Vicars number to discuss this with her, I was far too angry to go back and talk to the Youth group organiser, in fact I am still so upset about the way this has been handled.

I managed to speak to the Vicar last night and expressed my concerns over the way it has been handled and the inequality of it all, but I am waiting for her to come back to me.

And I am stewing, yes Mini is hard work, yes he can be challenging, loud, he doesn't always listen, he can be cheeky, insubordinate,  naughty, downright infuriating at times, but is this the reason that they don't want him there?  What have I done wrong?  He does come across as boisterous, but he is also loving, fun and a joy to be with.  I can not believe that they have made their decision based on one session with them.  It breaks my heart and I don't want Maxi to go without Mini and truth be told, neither of them understand what the problem is.

The longer it takes the Vicar to ring me back the more I think about it and reflect on the even, they are better ways to do this, without upsetting me and my children.

A Family of Emotions

Mini just can not control them, they are so visual, so transparent.  It is like looking at me.

I see burning red and hot orange embers.  The lava flow that just erupts before he has a chance to think about anything else.  He has no hold on them, no way to stop acting on the impulses they give him.  He has no perspective, no patience, no understanding of them.

He physically reacts, throwing, hitting, shouting, screaming, banging and crying.

He feels them in his heart, head and fists.  

To the point of exhaustion.

Maxi is comtenplative, a real thinker, he is learning to harness his emotions and to keep them in check.

He is brave and often his lower lip will tremble, when he skuffs his kness, just a little, enough for me to see.

When he is tired, then the emotions bubble to the surface.  I watch as he attemps to supress them, holding his breathm until they have to come out.

But his joy, wonder and amazement are still there for all to see.

MadDad is a happy man, a mellow fellow who lives his life with joy on his face and in his heart.  He is laidback and tolerent of nearly everything.  In all our time together I have only ever seen him angry on a few occaasions.  He always tells me that anger is such an unproductive emotion, that it doesnt solve anything, so he has learned to let it flow out of him.

He is a protective man and you can see how much he loves his family on his face, he is not afriad to show his emotions and he sets a wonderful example to the boys.

So that just leaves me, I for far too long have found that the dark emotions have been the ones that are the strongest, but I no longer allow them to take over my life.  I have learned to make the most of everything.  To look to the best in people and things.  To see the joy in the small things in life.

I am also taking part in The Frugal Families Welcome Wednesday

Writing Workshop - Tainted Blood

Mini sometimes I look at you and it is like looking at a mini me in the mirror.  My boy, you are going to have to learn to control that temper of mine that you have.  That boiling anger that I can see clearly inside.  You are going to have to grow and learn how to engage the brain, before putting the mouth in gear, learn to count to ten before erupting into the volcano of fury you can be.  It isn't going to be easy, I have said some hurtful things in my time due to my bad temper, but one thing that being a mother has brought me is a modicum of patience.

Maxi, I see a lot of your daddy in you, your intelligence, you willingness and your kindness are all wonderful traits of your Father.    You also have your Daddy's love of all sports and it is so lovely to see you get involved and enjoy being outside.

You both fill me with so much joy, you have the best and worse of the two of us and with that all the potential to be a unique individuals.  You can mould and sculpt the traits you have inherited and turn them in to something new, something special.   This is all in your hands, they are your choices to make.  All I can do is influence you to be the best you can.

There is something though that is out of our hands, that we have to leave to destiny, to fate and to this end I pray every night to a God that I am not sure exists.  I pray that you do not carry the same genetic "spelling mistake" that I do.  I have stopped trying to see who you most take after physically in the hope that I can not passed on my tainted blood, in addition to those wonderful brown eyes you both have.  

I hope that the small top lip you both have doesn't mean that you too are susceptible to the genetics that have made me make the hard decisions I have.  

People often say "doesn't Mini look like you and Maxi like his Daddy" and each time iIhear it, I cry a little inside.  I hope that looking like me, doesn't mean that you too are sentenced like to to worry, wonder and pray.

This is my burden, mine and Daddy's and we try and carry it with dignity and grace.  I graciously accept all complements about you both, for you are my pride and joy and together we will deal with what my tainted blood will bring.  I love you.

This post as wrote for Sleep is for the Week's writing workship, I chose promt 1. What qualities or traits do you think your children have inherited from you, you partner, or even from your extended family?

Writing Workshop - The best things come to those who wait

 
The best things come to those who wait, well that's what they say.

I am not good at waiting, no I don't have a patient bone in my body.

If I want something then I want it yesterday.  I want it NOW.

I have been known to stamp my feet and bat my eyelashes to try and get what I want.

But what about when not one can give you that thing?

What then?

For me I hid my need, I pretended that I was happy.

I even managed to convince myself that life was good.

And it was.  I was happy.

I lived a good life, a great life and managed not to think about what was missing.

But ever so often, something happened to make me realise what was missing.

Something that made me take a sharp breath in order to take the pain away.

Where was I, yes life was good.

Every so often, I would be given hope, only to have it dashed.

I was given glimpses in to the life that might be.

Sometimes these periods lasted six weeks, sometimes a lot longer.

But each time they were fleeting, leaving me with a sense of deja vu.

Each time I came back stronger and more determined that there was nothing missing in my life.

We talked about the fact that we were content with our lot and I was finally resigned to what I had.

Then it happened, something collided and the planets aligned.

Finally after years of waiting,

After the heartache of getting close, far too close on occasion.

We were blessed with a happy, healthy baby.

And then just like buses who seem to come all at once.

fifteen months later we were blessed with another.

No I no longer need to convince myself that life is good.

life really is good, we really didn't know just what we were missing.

I didn't realise that my jigsaw puzzle had four pieces.

But now I have what I wanted all along and I am not going to stop giving my all.

I am happy.

This week for Sleep is for the Weaks Writing Workshop I chose Prompt 2 Write about something that was worth waiting for – what was worth the patience and frustration?

 

-Inspired by new mummy’s Tiddlyompompom and And One more Means Five who both had gorgeous babies this last week. Congratulations!

The Gallery - Men

This week's prompt over at The Gallery is Men. Pictures of the men in your life - dads, sons, uncles, teachers, partners, brothers.   Let's hear it for the men!

So I give you the men in my house:

 

My wonderful constant companion thought life, he can be many things to many people, including a maker, an educator, a boss, a colleague, a lover, a husband, a dad, a provider....

He has and is there for me and the boys when we are unwell, always putting us first no matter what.  He is a wonderful daddy and they couldn't have asked for more.

He is fun, amazing and just wonderful, as I have said he is practically perfect in every way!

He is the reason I have the two little men in my life, who fill each day with joy, terror, noise and love (not in equal measure)!

Maxi writing a shopping list

Mini making a smoothie

The boys are constant companions for each other and love doing things together, which really makes my heart sing.

And last but not least the other "man" in my house, because this is a house where I am the only female, let me introduce you to Mr Smudge, our somewhat geriatric, but totally adored cat.

So thanks guys, for being here, for taking this ride with me.

The Gallery - Joy

Joy, I have been brought lots of joy in to my life, MadDad especially brings me more than I can ever express, but sometimes it is so hard to capture that Joy in an image.

That first day when we brought Maxi home after the hardship of getting him - Pure exhausted joy of my wonderful husbands face.

Their first bath - I went from having a baby to a baby and a toddler and MadDad made sure he was home to do all the bath-times!

The overwhelming joy of being a family of four.

That is joy on Maxi's face, pure joy at receiving a Star Wars Clone Wars Blaster - this is from a mummy that is not keen on guns!

Joy, a precious emotion that I try hard to capture, recognise and hold on to every single bit of it.

Writing Workshop - Do not be defined by what you can be, rather who you can be

What can I say about a mothers love, the love I feel for my two boys

The need to give them happiness throughout their lives

To see joy in their faces

To be privileged to experience with them so many firsts.

First Steps

First Smile

First tooth

The first feel of sand in their toes

To be able to pick them up after their first fall.

To be able to give unconditional love.

To love their faults.

To instill in them the morals of their father.

To teach them to be righteous men, with big hearts and a strong comprehension of good and bad and the sense to make the best choice.

To go down the right path.

To be blessed with experiencing wonderment.

To introduce them to Father Christmas and to instill in them that giving is better than receiving.

To watch them grow and blossom

To find the love of their lives and watch them mature

I am truly blessed with two wonderful boys and the chance to make a difference

I wrote this on 22 August 2006, when mini was less than two months old and Maxi was just 17 months old and it means just as much then as now, if not more.    I wrote it after a 2am night feed and was unable to get back to sleep, whist I watched mini sleep peacefully. 

I chose option 3 What do you secretly dream of your children doing?

When I think of what I hope my children may grow up to do, there isn't one job, one career that comes to mind and that is OK.  I am resigned to the fact that I place more emphasis on who they are and who they can be, rather than what they can be.

The one thing they do both know, is that they can choose to be the best that they can be and that I will always be there.

 

Nature or Nurture

I have clever children, there I have said it.  I have got rid of the elephant in the room.  They are very bright and intelligent (gifted and talented they call them at school, but that term just doesn't sit well with me, as all children are talented in someway).  But before I go on about their amazing abilities, let me tell you a story:

I use to feel inferior as a mum, both the boys were late walkers and never even crawled.  I used to compare maxi to his peers in my NCT antenatal group when we lived in Berkshire.  I used to come home and cry and feel inferior as he wasn't meeting his milestones as the other children were.  I was a bad mummy, I didn't "do" tummy time or structured play activities.  I would much rather enjoy a baby massage with him or sing and dance.  I didn't have the right parenting books, I was not allowing him to be the best he could.

Then things got much worse, Maxi became unwell and I became pregnant and the thought of going to signing tots or music with mummy, just didn't appeal to me anymore, so we played at home, I took him swimming once a week at least and we would go to a little music group which had only just started up down the road.  We looked at moving back to the North East so that I didn't have to go back to work.

All the other children in the group were walking, eating well and sleeping.  I couldn't compete.  Maxi eventually walked at 15 months 2 days before mini was born.

When mini was born, we went out for lots of walks and played in the park, I continued to take both the boys swimming at least once a week and we sang lots of songs and always chatted during the day.  We had fun.  I didn't worry about tummy time with mini, I didn't feel I had to do things any other way that our way.  I was free of the competitive nature of mothers with children the same age, as I never went to an antenatal class I didn't have anyone to compare him too.  So when he didn't walk till 17 months old I wasn't worried and when he started mimicking words at 7 months old I thought nothing of it.

I just loved the boys and wanted them to be happy.  Fast forward to last weeks parents evening.  

Both boys are exceptionally clever it seems, Mini can read, count to over 100, do single figure additions and has a passion for music.  He sometimes struggles with his new found temper, but he is amazing.  He makes friends really easily and chatters away to all and sundry with great inter-personal skills.

Maxi is whizzing ahead.  He is doing mathematics from year 2 and will be moving on to year 3 after half term.  He can do multiplication, understands and works in thousands, hundreds, tens and units.  He loves helping the other children with their math work, explaining it to them in an easily understandable way.

He is top of the class for phonics and writing.  His investigative skills are growing day by day and he has a love and understanding of basic science principals way above his years.

But even though he has all this ability, he is not smug, in fact he is the opposite he revels in his friends getting star of the day or one off awards, he doesn't crave recognition in any way at school and is a joy to teach.

He is kind and considerate and as much at home playing tig and starwars in the playground as he is in a small group telling a story.  He is 5 in March.  He is amazing and fills me with joy and fear in equal measure.

The question I am always asked is what am I doing to help the boys, what work do I do with them, as they don't want their children to miss out.

But the thing is, I have never hot housed the boys, we don't do flash cards or sums and exercises at home.  I don't make them read to me if they don't want to.  I don't force them to do homework.  I have never made them recite numbers or the alphabet to me.

But, we do have magnetic numbers and letters on the fridge, we sing songs, we make things, we talk all the time, our books are all on display and within easy reach, we visit the library, we still go swimming, we laugh, dance, create, we go on the PC, spend time on the wii, live and love.

I am not a great believer in after-school activities, both boys come home and the first thing after a snack is play outside, go to the park or go out on their scooters.  I don't feel the need to limit screen time, our only rule there is that there is none after 6pm and both boys have a leapster.

So the thing is they are just the way they are, the thirst for knowledge may not continue and I don't mind that (well I don't think I will, only time will tell).  They may just start to balance with all the children in their classes as they get older.  They may get distracted by other activities.  But this is fine, ultimately all I still want for them is to be happy.

So is it nature of nurture their cleverness, well MadDad is clever too, he did his exams etc a year earlier, but I am just kind of average.  In my opinion what good is intelligence if you don't have the ambition to match.  Also I quite like being average, It has never held me back.  I did well at work, excelled in fact.  If I set my mind to something, then I tend to find a way to achieve it.

I just don't know, but we are all happy and we are all healthy so we will be going on as we have been and taking each day as it comes, with lots of loving and firm family values.

But you know what the things that thrilled me most were hearing about how well they are behaved, that they have good interpersonal skills and are both joys to teach.  This wasn't just by their own teachers, but other people came up to us in the course of the evening and told us that we should be proud of our boys and you know what, we are.  We have been unable to wipe the smiles of our faces.

Writing Workshop - What were you doing this time last year

 

It is karma that this prompt came up on this weeks workshop, as I have been discussing this with my wonderful friend Wendy (my homestart lady) today. We took the boys for a good old run out and about yesterday afternoon in the woodlands near home and stopped for a well needed pot of tea and scone, whilst the boys climbed trees outside the cafe.

It is nearly one year since my first breast surgery. I was frantically trying to fit everything in that I needed to. I have booked 6 weeks of Tesco Deliveries, a book of all the things the boys liked, ate, did and schedules. But specifically the one thing I was doing a year ago was writing letters.

I wrote 4 letters and 3, I will share with you, the one I wrote to MadDad is not and never will be for public consumption, but I wrote one each to the boys and one explaining why i was doing what I was.

Writing those letters was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, but I was so unsure of the outcome of the surgery and so scare of dying I just needed the boys to have something to hold on to if the worst happened.

Letter One - Why I am doing this

BRACA and its implications to us all as a family

I wanted to explain to you both why I am undergoing the surgeries I am and how it can or could impact on our lives, both individually and as a family.

History

My Aunty C (Grandma’s sister) died of cancer when I was younger and it was a really hard time. My cousins were in their teens and it was really hard on them. Then Aunty T contracted Primary Peritoneal cancer, which thankfully at this time is in remission. Whilst she was undergoing her treatment a blood sample was taken for genetic testing due to her older sister having died of cancer and also the link of peritoneal cancer to both breast and ovarian cancer.

We all were over the moon when she was given the news that she was in remission and that the treatment had worked, but this was tempered with the news that she had a “spelling mistake” in the gene that is responsible for Breast and Ovarian cancer. Grandma was offered a test for the same genetic fault and she too was found to be positive and had her ovaries removed.

As Grandma was positive, I too was offered a blood and DNA test to see if I too carried the spelling mistake. Your daddy and I discussed the implications and we decided to have the test in January 2008. 6 weeks later I was given the news I expected which was that I too was positive.

We met with a number of doctors and consultants and researched lots and lots and finally after lots of soul searching made the decision to have prophylactic surgery.

All the research I had done indicated that removal of the ovaries before turning 35 was most beneficial in reducing the risk of both ovarian and breast cancer, so in July 2008 I underwent surgery to remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes.

I made a super recovery, I was driving two days later and went swimming with both you boys the week later.

We also discussed the prospect of a double mastectomy and reconstruction with an oncologist and plastic surgeon. There were a number of reasons that I chose to have this operation, even though it is quite a major one.

· Breast cancer is very hard to diagnose before 40 even with annual mammograms or MRI’s as the breast tissue is denser the younger you are.

· My risk of breast cancer is an 85% lifetime risk; a mastectomy reduces it to about 6%

· It is harder to diagnose BC correctly on larger breasted ladies.

So based on these facts and after talking to people who have had breast cancer and treatment for it, we decided to go ahead with the operation and it is scheduled for 27 February 2009.

There is a risk that I still may get an associated cancer and so will need to remain vigilant, but at least this way I am not living with a ticking time bomb.

The Future

Due to the operation I am having, I will need further operations in the future, but these will be a lot smaller and less risky.

One of the things that does upset me is that there is also a possibility that you both carry the “spelling mistake” or mutation too and this will have implications in your health and also the health of any children you may go on to have. You will both be offered the test at 16 and can make the decision yourself if you want to find out.

I hope that the way medicine is moving forward that the gene is now isolated that it can be repaired and that you will not even need to make any decision about your or future children’s health.

I am doing this so that we can all have a future as a family, so that I can watch you grow, develop and change without the worry that I may not be around much longer.

Maxi Mads Letter

Dearest Maxi

I so hope that you do not have to read this letter, but if you are it means that something terrible has happened.

I wanted you to know just how much you mean to me and how much I love you and your brother and daddy too.

You bring me such joy and amazement everyday and sometimes terrify me with your ability to remember the littlest thing. You always know what to say to make me smile and are the most amazing son a mother could have asked for.

I had a challenging pregnancy with you and then an eventful birth followed. You were a beautiful baby. I and your daddy were so sure that we would think you looked wonderful no matter what and we were right, but you defiantly prove the rule that the sum of the whole is greater than the two parts.

Sleep was not something you blessed me and daddy with and you gave us quite a scare when at 4 months old you developed breathing difficulties and have to be hospitalised and helped to breath. You were a fighter and pulled through, only to go downhill again a month later (the week before your baptism), but again you made a fantastic recover and got out of hospital the night before we travelled back to R for your joint Christening with V.

Your little brother Mini was born when you were 15 months old and all of a sudden you went from being an only child to being a big brother and you were and still do look after “your baby” and “Lee Lee” as you used to call him.

You have a natural ability for mathematics and puzzles and often can do them faster than me (not that I am any good at them).

I have always wanted for you to be happy and to enjoy life, to not be too burdened with the worries before your time. I want you to have a happy and carefree childhood and have enjoyed spending time on the beach with you and also taking you swimming on a weekly basis, in fact you are and always have been my water baby. You say you would like to be a “surfer dude” and will have all the rad moves.

You can be quite challenging, but that it down to the fact that you are bright as a button and if not kept occupied then can be very mischievous. Infact once you took all the glitter out of the craft cupboard and decorated the house.

You love your food and I love cooking for you and we have had great fun growing our own veg and fruit. We have a messy, but happy time in the kitchen baking and cooking together. We like to make muffins and pizza together and we love to all eat at the table as a family.

You can use a computer better than me and can beat all of us on the wii at MarioKart.

I have been lucky to have been able to remain off work and spend lots of time with you, watching you grow and develop, but also influencing (hopefully positively) the person that you are going to be.

I would like you to remember that you were born of love and that I love you more than words can express. You have brought me so much joy and laughter. I am sure that you will grow up to be a fine man.

Remember to keep helping round the house, learn how to iron and cook and you will be a real catch. If you can be half the man your daddy is then I will be happy.

e have wanted to instil in you manners, morals and a sense of kindness and compassion. I would like you to take a look at the world and look for the best in it and in people and try to stay positive, even when times may be hard.

I would like you to try and develop a deep and constant friendship with your brother, family is important. It was the reason we return to the North East from Reading where you were born. So please keep in touch with all of them.

I hope the rest of your life is everything you want it to be. Hard things can and will happen and I know you will find ways to survive, be strong and learn. Daddy and Mini will be great people to grow up with, lean on, rely on (and argue with sometimes!). I hope you will have a group of special friends to trust and eventually someone special to love. I hope you find work that satisfies and nourishes you. I hope your dreams come true – whatever they may be. And on the special days of your life, remember me and know that I am so proud of you and I am surrounding you with love.

It has been wonderful to share these years with you. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay. I'd have done anything to be able to. My love for you is so strong – nothing can break it, certainly not something as insignificant as death. My love will surround you, protect you, nourish you and support all the days of your life.

Mini's Letter

Dearest Mini

I so hope that you do not have to read this letter, but if you are it means that something terrible has happened.

I wanted you to know just how much you mean to me and how much I love you and your brother and daddy too.

You are a light in the dark sky, a fantastic son and a wonderful brother too. You made our family complete and have always enjoyed being my baby and had a special smile that you only use for me. When you were tiny you would only settle for me and secretly it was nice, especially as Maxi is such a daddy’s boy.

You were a very much planned for a wanted addition. We enjoyed Maxi so much that we wanted another child as soon as we could. We were blessed to have you so soon after trying.

You were gorgeous, just like your big brother, but you had a wonderful head of dark hair just like me. Again you were not a great sleeper initially, but I used to look at you and your big brown eyes and everything would be all right

You were and are such a placid little man, fitting right into our family, as though you had always been there. You were a proper little mimic and it seems as though you were talking from 6 months old and have a fantastic musical ability. You love to dance and you love The Wiggles more than you love me – or so you say. You love playing on your guitar and being a rock star.

As you grow, you seem to look more and more like your grandpa B and my one regret is that he has been unable to meet both you boys.

You have the ability to make even the sternest person smile and seen to bring happiness to everyone.

You have been blighted with my temper and are a stubborn as a mule refusing to back down and if you don’t want to do something, then boy do we all know.

You may not have wanted to sleep early on, but you love your bed and sleep now and cuddle all your bears in bed – there is Bear, Bear Bear, Spare Bear (to wash against the other), Moon Bear and Red Bear who all have to go to bed with you and you take two on car journeys too.

You love to colour and read books, you like to tell me the story, in addition to having them read for you. Your imagination is vast and filled with a childish innocence. You have great fun at toddlers when it is sticking and gluing. In fact you are filled with a wonderful creativity. You love watching the moon on a night.

I would like you to remember that you were born of love and that I love you more than words can express. You have brought me so much joy and laughter. I am sure that you will grow up to be a fine man.

I like to think that I have been blessed to have been able to spend the precious early years of your life with you and hope that I have managed make a positive impact on you and shape the person that you are going to be. I hope that you have a strong sense of belonging and that you always remember how much I love you.

Remember to keep helping round the house, learn how to iron and cook and you will be a real catch. If you can be half the man your daddy is then I will be happy.

We have wanted to instil in you manners, morals and a sense of kindness and compassion. I would like you to take a look at the world and look for the best in it and in people and try to stay positive, even when times may be hard.

I would like you to try and develop a deep and constant friendship with your brother, family is important. It was the reason we return to the North East from Reading before you were born. So please keep in touch with all of them.

I hope the rest of your life is everything you want it to be. Hard things can and will happen and I know you will find ways to survive, be strong and learn. Daddy and Maxi will be great people to grow up with, lean on, rely on (and argue with sometimes!). I hope you will have a group of special friends to trust and eventually someone special to love. I hope you find work that satisfies and nourishes you. I hope your dreams come true – whatever they may be. And on the special days of your life, remember me and know that I am so proud of you and I am surrounding you with love.

It has been wonderful to share these years with you. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay. I'd have done anything to be able to. My love for you is so strong – nothing can break it, certainly not something as insignificant as death. My love will surround you, protect you, nourish you and support all the days of your life.