I have that follow feeling in my tummy, the one I describe to the boys as butterflies, but truth be told it isn't. It is a physical pain caused by dropping them off at the school door each morning. At least today Mini went in without the tears and upset of last week, at least Maxi always runs to be in, but I walk away with a heavy heart and a hollow emptiness that nothing can fill.
I used to have a career when we lived down South, I was a successful Facilities Manager and my colleagues were shocked by the fact that I was pregnant. I was the most un-maternal woman in the building, but my love for my boys has been a slow burner. I never had a POW feeling when they were born. They never swept me off my feet with a barrage of warm feelings, but these feelings have grown and developed as I have had the pleasure of learning to be a parent and now I am consumed with overwhelming and unconditional love for them both. There are days when I might not like them, but I do and always will love them.
I enjoy their company and the time we spend doing, making, playing, baking and just being together. I fear I am becoming a bore, a lonely, sad mother. Yes that is what the issue is I am lonely. I do have friends here, but they have both just gone full time at work, so I am left on my own during the day and I am sad.
I am looking for part time work to help pass the time and to try and make new friends, but it easier said than done. I have applied for positions, only to be told I am over qualified and to be left feeling even more worthless than I feel anyway. Before now I have only ever had positive interviews, but I live in an area of high unemployment and my skills although transferable are not as sought after as they should be. Coupled with the fact that I want to collect the boys from school, well it makes getting a job pretty much impossible (or that is the feeling I have).
So on Wednesday I start 2 mornings a week helping out with the reception children at the school and I am looking forward to it. I hope that it will help lift my mood and stop me coming home with tears in my eyes.
Worse still are the people who say take some time to do things you want to do, well I WANT to be with my children, I don't want to pamper myself or go for a run, I want to cuddle my boys. I want to wallow in this self pity. I don't want to clean the house or do the ironing. I want to go to the park and find shells with the boys on the beach. I want more children, which I can not have.
I am mourning the loss of her children. The woman who has marked the calender and is looking forward in an unnatural way to half term. I listen to the other mums talking about their children being at school and I feel nothing in common with them at all. I do not relish the start of the school day or dread the clock ticking closer to collection time, in fact I feel the opposite and look forward to collecting the boys and visiting the park.
So in a lot of ways I guess I am the odd one out.