Under Pressure

I usually thrive on pressure, at least I did BC (Before Children), but now I am not so sure. 

I think maybe I was being optimistic about looking for a part time job, as it seems that mum is not going to get back on her feet so easily this time and it looks as though I am going to have to spend more time looking after her as well as the children.

What the Consultant has said is that she has permanent lung damage due to smoking and also the latest chest infection and reduced her respiratory ability too.  They officially  call it Type 2 respiratory failure or COPD.  In the olden days it would have been called smokers lung or emphysema.  In all honesty I wish they would have called it either of them with mum when she was first diagnosed as it may have spurred her on to quit smoking before now, which is too little too late.

She also has been diagnosed with anemia, which is obviously not helping with her oxygen stats, so has had a number of scans.  She will also need a gastroscopy and colonoscopy, but can not undergo the sedation at the moment as her oxygen levels may drop too much (sedation reduced the rate you breath at).

Mum has been staying with us since her discharge from hospital a week ago and now the hard works starts in getting all the help and financial assistance we can.

My mum lives on her own and this will not change until she needs round the clock nursing care, as she will not be looked after in either my brothers or my home (her choice and one that I am relieved immensely by).

We always thought that it would be her rheumatoid arthritis which caused her to be unable to manage the stairs, so last year when an endowment matured she had a downstairs wet room installed, which will be a godsend, however, we still need to arrange to get 2 stair lifts installed.

Why two you ask, well mum lived in an old victorian terrace and the bathroom is set on a landing between two staircases, as it was an add on at the rear of the house along with the kitchen and the levels are different to the bedrooms.

I also need to arrange a wheel chair, as up to now we have always borrowed one when necessary.

Someone to come in and do the cleaning and the ironing in the short term.  Once Mini is at school full time in September then I will do this on a daily basis, however, mum is going to need some help and assistance in getting up and dressed for a little while and also in cooking meals etc.

It is so, so hard and makes me really sad.  I never thought I would be responsible for looking after my mum at 36 with a nearly 5 year old and a 3 year old to look after as well.  In addition to this I am aware that it is important that I continue to work on my relationship with MadDad too.

Yes I am feeling it, the pressure, this is my mum, the woman who brought me up, we may not always see eye to eye, but I love her and can not bear the thought of losing her.

Yes I am under pressure, I want her to live as independant a life as she can, I want her to enjoy her life and I want the grandchildren to have happy memories of their time with her.

Yes I am under pressure, social care teams are woefully understaffed and getting any support is hard.

But I am also under the opinion that you are only given the things you can handle to deal with and as a family we will all get through this.  My Brother has been fantastic, visiting every night even though he really needs to be in the club.

MadDad is being a star as always, giving me the space and time I need to blog, be with the children and an ear to moan into and arms to fall into.

I am not looking for sympathy, as you know that is not my thing, but a little understanding now and then, whilst I work at getting the balance right for all involved and yes I may be under pressure, but I do have my mother to celebrate mothers day with this Sunday and at the moment, after the few weeks we have had that is all I could have asked for.

This post was inspired by prommt 5 What is making you feel under pressure right now?

The Past in Pictures

Once I started scanning in pictures, well I couldn't stop and I have asked my mum of I can have the family tin, which is a box full of wonderful pictures and things from our family history.

 

Look at those side burns, this is me and my wonderful dad.  I still have the rabbit, well mini has claimed it and my mum still lives in the same house, although she doesn't have the bar or the wonderful mural on the wall in the sitting room.

This is me and my wonderful paternal Grandad who lived with us.  I was his reason for living.  He suffered from cancer before I was born and he always said he was waiting for me, he died when I was 17.

 

Me and Lassie, Lassie was my Dad's dog given to him by his mum before she died way before I was born.  Lassie was my guard dog.  They used to pop me outside in my pram to sleep during the day and Lassie would guard me.

 

Me and Mum, Mum was an older mother and she always seemed so glamorous to me growing up.  She made most of her and my clothes and I never really appreciated how much effort she put in.  we couldn't afford cloth kits (which were all the rage when I was little), but she would make our clothes from scratch often working late in to the night.  Oh and look I have red shoes on again.

Why have children when you have parents?

I suppose there comes a time in every person's life when their parents stop being the supporters and start being the ones who need the support and the help of their children.

Well it seems that that time has come all too soon in the Mad family.  My mum who is only 66 is in hospital yet again.  She is not in the best of health generally as she suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, but she how has COPD and is suffering with type 2 respiratory failure and it appears that she caught a chest infection on her holiday in Florida, which meant that she became oxygen compromised and when me and MiniMad visited at 9am on Wednesday morning, we couldn't rouse her and had to call 999. (she returned to the UK late Monday).

Safe to say Wednesday is not a day I want to repeat in a hurry, the whole experience was frightening, not only for me, but my adorable, perceptive and impressionable three year old was in the thick of it too.

The Ambulance and first responder staff were excellent and she was blue lighted to A&E.  Me and Mini followed behind in the car.  The first thing I did after ring for an ambulance was to call MadDad and ask him to meet me at the hospital to take Mini, as he didn't need to see anymore of this.

Now my mum has been hospitalised with breathing difficulties before in January of this year in fact, but never as serve as this.  She is a strong willed woman and not only was she virtually silent, she was compliant and fading in and out of consciousness.  

I watched, listened and talked to the nurses and the doctor and we made the decision to put mum on to DPAP, as she really wasn't getting enough oxygen even with a mask on.  It was a very, very frightening time for me.  Even with the DPAP my mums stats weren't rising sufficiently and we had to discuss ventilation, this felt like a slap in the face for me.

When my father was involved in an industrial accident more than 9 year ago, he was ventilated so I know all the issues that come with ventilation and once someone has had it, well recovery is a challenge and also it can become necessary for future hospitalisation's.

Thankfully she started to pull through and her statistics improved thanks to some medication they gave her, but all the same I was emotionally exhausted.  She was finally stable enough to be transferred from resus to a ward at 4.30 pm.  That was when I got my first drink of the day!

I left her sleeping at 5.30 and came home to eat with the mini's and pop them to bed, well we all had a cuddle on Mummy's bed and that was all I remember till 6am yesterday morning.  I was emotional exhausted as well as physically tired.

Me and the mini's visited yesterday and she is going to be in quite a while, so is now reliant on me and my brother for everything she needs yet again.  We have agreed that I will visit daily with the children from 3pm to 5pm and then he will visit from 7pm to 8pm.  This means an additional hour a day in the car for me and the boys as the hospital is not close to us in the sticks.

Harder than all the visiting is having to make the decisions on what needs to be done.  Mum will be in a while and will not be allowed home without oxygen, which means that she has to stop smoking.  I told her this yesterday and she is going to.  neither I nor the nurses will wheel her out for a cigarette and she isn't well enough to walk, so lets hop this time she really does stop.

I am so glad that she is going to be OK, but I can only see things going down hill from this point forward.  I will have to become more and more involved with her care and ensure that she is looked after correctly.  I will have to mother her, when all I want is for her to mother me.  I am 36 years old and already my mother needs my support and care.

It is expected of me as her daughter, she expects it, my brother expects it and to some extent I knew it was coming, but just not so early.  My baby's are only 3 and 4 they need me still, they need to be the centre of my life and have all my attention.  I don't want to share it yet, I am not ready.

The thing is my mum and dad nursed my paternal grandfather at home and after that she said that she would never subject me or my brother to it, but slowly it is what she is doing.  little by little she is expecting more and gets upset if I tell her that I can not manage it.  

So what am I going to do, I don't know...... not yet, my focus at the moment it to get her out of hospital and settled with oxygen at home and then I will think about the future.  But one thing I do know is I will manage, I can manage.  I am a mother.