Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality

11 years, an eternity some days, but a split second on others.

You are forever part of my life,

I love and live by the rules you instilled in me,

I learn each day how important you have been in moulding me.

I am your echo, your legacy.

As my children are mine, carrying with them a part of me and, therefore, a part of you.

I hope they grow in to great men like you were.

I refuse to live my life in anger at your early death,

instead I remember the days we had.

I remember feeling safe and cradled in your hands.

I remember joy and freedom.

You are my hero, my guiding star.

I love you Dad and miss you each and everyday.

11 Years ago Today

It was 6.30 am when the telephone rang, my first thought was who in earth could be calling at this time and punched MadDad to answer the phone (as it was on his side of the bed).

He did and then time just stood still. He turned to me as white as a sheet and with the words "there has been an accident, your Dad is in hospital. We need to leave now" the day stood still.

We lived in Berkshire at the time and my dad was in Middlesbrough General Hospital in the Intensive Care Unit over 320 miles away.  We got dressed, put the cats in their basket and drove stopping on the way to ring both works and explain that we were on the way to see my father.

We also had to make a call to The Mormon Temple at Preston as my brother was due to start his 2 year mission and we needed him to come and see dad too.

The journey home has never seemed so long and I have never ever played the CD again that played that day.

We got to the hospital before noon to find out that my mum had been with my father since the previous evening and that he was in an enforced coma, under heavy sedation and he had also been given drugs to paralyse him.

Everyday we went to the hospital to help with his care, hold his hand, read the paper to him and just chat.  I learned to shave him and got used to seeing him with all the wires and tubes and even the ventilator going in to his neck rather than his mouth.  I know what all the monitors meant and also what medication he was on.  We all waited with hope.

Until the morning of 4th November, when we made the heartbreaking decision to turn off the ventilator due to the consultants advice as my dad had sepsis. He never regained consciousness.    He died less than two minutes later in my mums, mine and MadDad's arms.  My brother couldn't watch and had just left the room.  

11 years ago today, I lost my father (rather than the day he died), the man I idolised and loved with every breath I took.  I miss him more every day.  I wish he could have met the boys, we named Maxi after him and I know he would love them just as much as I do.

Fathers Day Meme

Karen from If I could escape, who is a great blogger started a Fathers Day me me, so I asked both of the boys their answers.

 Mini

1. What does Daddy wear for work?  –  Work Shoes, work shirt, work trousers, work pants, tie.
2. Where does Daddy work? — Bishy Auland
3. What’s Daddy’s job? — Makes Tea
4. What does Daddy do at work? — make tea
5. What does Daddy do at lunch? – work

  Maxi

1. What does Daddy wear for work?  –  A work suit and tie, pant and a shirt
2. Where does Daddy work? — Bishop Aulkland
3. What’s Daddy’s job? — To earn Pennies
4. What does Daddy do at work? — He talks and adds things up
5. What does Daddy do at lunch? – Eats his food.

MadDad is actually a Client Manager for a firm of chartered Accountants and a wonderful provider for us all.

Happy Fathers Day MadDad.

Fathers day is always bittersweet for me, as yes it is a celebration of my husband and my FIL, but it also it is sad, as my dad is no longer with us and I miss him so so much.  I wrote about my father here for one of the writing workshops.  I still love you Daddy.

The Past in Pictures

Once I started scanning in pictures, well I couldn't stop and I have asked my mum of I can have the family tin, which is a box full of wonderful pictures and things from our family history.

 

Look at those side burns, this is me and my wonderful dad.  I still have the rabbit, well mini has claimed it and my mum still lives in the same house, although she doesn't have the bar or the wonderful mural on the wall in the sitting room.

This is me and my wonderful paternal Grandad who lived with us.  I was his reason for living.  He suffered from cancer before I was born and he always said he was waiting for me, he died when I was 17.

 

Me and Lassie, Lassie was my Dad's dog given to him by his mum before she died way before I was born.  Lassie was my guard dog.  They used to pop me outside in my pram to sleep during the day and Lassie would guard me.

 

Me and Mum, Mum was an older mother and she always seemed so glamorous to me growing up.  She made most of her and my clothes and I never really appreciated how much effort she put in.  we couldn't afford cloth kits (which were all the rage when I was little), but she would make our clothes from scratch often working late in to the night.  Oh and look I have red shoes on again.

Writing Workshop on a Wednesday

Ten years ago today my dad died.  When you say it like that it all sounds very simple, doesn't it, but it wasn't.  It was oh so complicated and messy.

What can I tell you about my dad, well like most daughters, I was the apple of his eye.  I had a very special relationship with him, which continued till the day he died.  I was a proper daddy's girl.  I loved being in his company and he was a great friend in addition to a super dad.

Long before it was trendy to push the pram and change nappies, my dad was doing all this. He bathed me, dressed me and never felt embarrassed or emasculated in being a hands on dad.  He would get me dressed and put in my pigtails and I would even go in to work with him on my days off school.

He was a marine engineer, which mean that he built ships, big ships and he loved his job, right down to the sea trials.  I loved going in and watching him work, although I tended to be bunkered down in his office, which sounds rather grand, but it was a portacabin really inside of a great big shed.

The best bits of dads job was when the ships were launched, we would go and watch the bottle of champagne being flung at the side and wave and cheer as they left the dry dock.  I even got to go on board a couple and have lunch with the captain, it was very civilised.

When the shipyards closed my dad got a job as a maintenance engineer with British Steel and was so looking forward to his retirement.  Me and MadDad had moved to Berkshire and Mum and Dad visited as often as they could and discussed moving closer when he retired. 

He was 52 when the accident happened.  He was crushed under a plate of steel.  British Steel or Corus as they then were were ultimately found to be negligible and were prosecuted by the Health and Safety Executive, but it brought little comfort to us all.

My dads colleagues listed the half ton steel sheet off him and resuscitated him and the doctors in intensive care decided that the best option for recovery was to put my dad in to a drug induced paralysis and a coma.  He had a tracheotomy put in so that he could be ventilated long term.  His accident happened on the 17 October 2000. 

It was awful visiting him in the hospital, but the nursing staff were excellent and taught us all how to take care of my dad and I would read to him everyday, sing songs and generally chat away to him.  He seemed to be getting better, then all of a sudden, we were informed that he had sepsis and his organs were failing.  They had treated him with the strongest antibiotics available to no avail. 

We dad a decision to make as a family.  We (my mum, brother, MadDad and Me) sat in the visitors room with the consultant and discussed the prospects and we knew then that we could not allow him to be in any further pain.  My mum agreed and we made the decision to remove the ventilator which was helping him breath.  I dont know what I expected, but mum and I were at his side as they turned down the oxygen level to normal and turned off the monitor volume.  we each held a hand and he passed away within a minute.

It was such a hard thing to do.  The man who I admired the most in the whole wide world slipped through my fingertips right before my very eyes.  It was like being in a dream.  No one wanted to leave the hospital that day.  It was so hard to leave him behind.  In an instant I became part of a club that no one talks about, that no one wants to be a member of.  I became a daughter without a dad.

The church was overflowing at his funeral, full of people whose lives he had touched.  I read out a poem me and my brother had wrote  and then we went to say our final good byes at the crematorium. 

I still miss him all these years later, but time is a great healer it is true.  we named MaxiMad after him and MiniMad looks so like he did as a child.  I know he would have adored his Grandchildren and been the perfect Grandpa and I constantly tell them about him and we have his picture up all over the house.

So yes, ten years ago I lost my father, but I am blessed to have a lifetime of wonderful memories to carry with me for always. 

This post is for the Writing Workshop over at Sleep is for the Weak inspired by Josie's by her sad, sad goodbye to her wonderful cat.