All that Remains

White on white, raised and hard

So obviously foreign in their origin

Not flowing, not organic

Just Jagged and sharp

Like quiet footsteps on a hard floor

Pattering against the soft smooth skin

puckered, raw and taught 

Alien in the lunar landscape

gripping pain, prevents rest and sleep

no amount of rubbing can realise me

I press against my muscles with my fingers

Too tense they refuse to give

electric currants pulse through the wires

still no release from the incessant pull

warm swimming feeling from opiates in mind

pain penetrates all options

I sink in to the deep warm water

hoping for some realise

Deeper holding my breath

stifling the moans from ever increasing pain

The house stands quiet

the only noise the gentle fizzing of the refrigerator

But in my ears buzzes the throb of unyielding pain

Muscles refusing to give

The clock ticks in my mind

1.20am, I hear gentle snoring

not mine

no fear, for seep will come I tell myself

3.44am, still no release

I am in its grip, the iron fist

to apprehensive to make a sound

halting the groan in my throat

My family sleep soundly

I will not wake them

They have been through so much will me

This I must cope with on my own

I focus all my energy on resisting the pain

try to relax, to resist

but still it is there

never ceasing

Even though my family surround me

I am in solitude with my pain

Soon the sun will rise

but the pain wont dim

A smile I will put on my face

A spring in my step

to greet the day with my boys

but ultimately pain is all that remains

It is so hard to put in to words the pain that I feel, it is not constant and ever present, thankfully it comes and go.  Mainly coming on a night in my shoulders, a terrible unrelenting pain.  When it comes it is hard to find anything that really eases it, other than the warm hands of my wonderful husband, but I can not and will not wake him selfishly, especially when he is so tired after a hard week at work and home.

So on nights like tonight.  I take my pain killers and try to sleep, when it doesn't come then it is the tens machine and a bath,  some nights it works, others it leaves me desolate and alone.  Tonight is one of those nights.  I have tried reading, warm milk, lavender, heat on the area, but there is no relief to be found, so I will wait for the dawn and hope the day brings better things.