It is karma that this prompt came up on this weeks workshop, as I have been discussing this with my wonderful friend Wendy (my homestart lady) today. We took the boys for a good old run out and about yesterday afternoon in the woodlands near home and stopped for a well needed pot of tea and scone, whilst the boys climbed trees outside the cafe.
It is nearly one year since my first breast surgery. I was frantically trying to fit everything in that I needed to. I have booked 6 weeks of Tesco Deliveries, a book of all the things the boys liked, ate, did and schedules. But specifically the one thing I was doing a year ago was writing letters.
I wrote 4 letters and 3, I will share with you, the one I wrote to MadDad is not and never will be for public consumption, but I wrote one each to the boys and one explaining why i was doing what I was.
Writing those letters was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, but I was so unsure of the outcome of the surgery and so scare of dying I just needed the boys to have something to hold on to if the worst happened.
Letter One - Why I am doing this
BRACA and its implications to us all as a family
I wanted to explain to you both why I am undergoing the surgeries I am and how it can or could impact on our lives, both individually and as a family.
History
My Aunty C (Grandma’s sister) died of cancer when I was younger and it was a really hard time. My cousins were in their teens and it was really hard on them. Then Aunty T contracted Primary Peritoneal cancer, which thankfully at this time is in remission. Whilst she was undergoing her treatment a blood sample was taken for genetic testing due to her older sister having died of cancer and also the link of peritoneal cancer to both breast and ovarian cancer.
We all were over the moon when she was given the news that she was in remission and that the treatment had worked, but this was tempered with the news that she had a “spelling mistake” in the gene that is responsible for Breast and Ovarian cancer. Grandma was offered a test for the same genetic fault and she too was found to be positive and had her ovaries removed.
As Grandma was positive, I too was offered a blood and DNA test to see if I too carried the spelling mistake. Your daddy and I discussed the implications and we decided to have the test in January 2008. 6 weeks later I was given the news I expected which was that I too was positive.
We met with a number of doctors and consultants and researched lots and lots and finally after lots of soul searching made the decision to have prophylactic surgery.
All the research I had done indicated that removal of the ovaries before turning 35 was most beneficial in reducing the risk of both ovarian and breast cancer, so in July 2008 I underwent surgery to remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
I made a super recovery, I was driving two days later and went swimming with both you boys the week later.
We also discussed the prospect of a double mastectomy and reconstruction with an oncologist and plastic surgeon. There were a number of reasons that I chose to have this operation, even though it is quite a major one.
· Breast cancer is very hard to diagnose before 40 even with annual mammograms or MRI’s as the breast tissue is denser the younger you are.
· My risk of breast cancer is an 85% lifetime risk; a mastectomy reduces it to about 6%
· It is harder to diagnose BC correctly on larger breasted ladies.
So based on these facts and after talking to people who have had breast cancer and treatment for it, we decided to go ahead with the operation and it is scheduled for 27 February 2009.
There is a risk that I still may get an associated cancer and so will need to remain vigilant, but at least this way I am not living with a ticking time bomb.
The Future
Due to the operation I am having, I will need further operations in the future, but these will be a lot smaller and less risky.
One of the things that does upset me is that there is also a possibility that you both carry the “spelling mistake” or mutation too and this will have implications in your health and also the health of any children you may go on to have. You will both be offered the test at 16 and can make the decision yourself if you want to find out.
I hope that the way medicine is moving forward that the gene is now isolated that it can be repaired and that you will not even need to make any decision about your or future children’s health.
I am doing this so that we can all have a future as a family, so that I can watch you grow, develop and change without the worry that I may not be around much longer.
Maxi Mads Letter
Dearest Maxi
I so hope that you do not have to read this letter, but if you are it means that something terrible has happened.
I wanted you to know just how much you mean to me and how much I love you and your brother and daddy too.
You bring me such joy and amazement everyday and sometimes terrify me with your ability to remember the littlest thing. You always know what to say to make me smile and are the most amazing son a mother could have asked for.
I had a challenging pregnancy with you and then an eventful birth followed. You were a beautiful baby. I and your daddy were so sure that we would think you looked wonderful no matter what and we were right, but you defiantly prove the rule that the sum of the whole is greater than the two parts.
Sleep was not something you blessed me and daddy with and you gave us quite a scare when at 4 months old you developed breathing difficulties and have to be hospitalised and helped to breath. You were a fighter and pulled through, only to go downhill again a month later (the week before your baptism), but again you made a fantastic recover and got out of hospital the night before we travelled back to R for your joint Christening with V.
Your little brother Mini was born when you were 15 months old and all of a sudden you went from being an only child to being a big brother and you were and still do look after “your baby” and “Lee Lee” as you used to call him.
You have a natural ability for mathematics and puzzles and often can do them faster than me (not that I am any good at them).
I have always wanted for you to be happy and to enjoy life, to not be too burdened with the worries before your time. I want you to have a happy and carefree childhood and have enjoyed spending time on the beach with you and also taking you swimming on a weekly basis, in fact you are and always have been my water baby. You say you would like to be a “surfer dude” and will have all the rad moves.
You can be quite challenging, but that it down to the fact that you are bright as a button and if not kept occupied then can be very mischievous. Infact once you took all the glitter out of the craft cupboard and decorated the house.
You love your food and I love cooking for you and we have had great fun growing our own veg and fruit. We have a messy, but happy time in the kitchen baking and cooking together. We like to make muffins and pizza together and we love to all eat at the table as a family.
You can use a computer better than me and can beat all of us on the wii at MarioKart.
I have been lucky to have been able to remain off work and spend lots of time with you, watching you grow and develop, but also influencing (hopefully positively) the person that you are going to be.
I would like you to remember that you were born of love and that I love you more than words can express. You have brought me so much joy and laughter. I am sure that you will grow up to be a fine man.
Remember to keep helping round the house, learn how to iron and cook and you will be a real catch. If you can be half the man your daddy is then I will be happy.
e have wanted to instil in you manners, morals and a sense of kindness and compassion. I would like you to take a look at the world and look for the best in it and in people and try to stay positive, even when times may be hard.
I would like you to try and develop a deep and constant friendship with your brother, family is important. It was the reason we return to the North East from Reading where you were born. So please keep in touch with all of them.
I hope the rest of your life is everything you want it to be. Hard things can and will happen and I know you will find ways to survive, be strong and learn. Daddy and Mini will be great people to grow up with, lean on, rely on (and argue with sometimes!). I hope you will have a group of special friends to trust and eventually someone special to love. I hope you find work that satisfies and nourishes you. I hope your dreams come true – whatever they may be. And on the special days of your life, remember me and know that I am so proud of you and I am surrounding you with love.
It has been wonderful to share these years with you. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay. I'd have done anything to be able to. My love for you is so strong – nothing can break it, certainly not something as insignificant as death. My love will surround you, protect you, nourish you and support all the days of your life.
Mini's Letter
Dearest Mini
I so hope that you do not have to read this letter, but if you are it means that something terrible has happened.
I wanted you to know just how much you mean to me and how much I love you and your brother and daddy too.
You are a light in the dark sky, a fantastic son and a wonderful brother too. You made our family complete and have always enjoyed being my baby and had a special smile that you only use for me. When you were tiny you would only settle for me and secretly it was nice, especially as Maxi is such a daddy’s boy.
You were a very much planned for a wanted addition. We enjoyed Maxi so much that we wanted another child as soon as we could. We were blessed to have you so soon after trying.
You were gorgeous, just like your big brother, but you had a wonderful head of dark hair just like me. Again you were not a great sleeper initially, but I used to look at you and your big brown eyes and everything would be all right
You were and are such a placid little man, fitting right into our family, as though you had always been there. You were a proper little mimic and it seems as though you were talking from 6 months old and have a fantastic musical ability. You love to dance and you love The Wiggles more than you love me – or so you say. You love playing on your guitar and being a rock star.
As you grow, you seem to look more and more like your grandpa B and my one regret is that he has been unable to meet both you boys.
You have the ability to make even the sternest person smile and seen to bring happiness to everyone.
You have been blighted with my temper and are a stubborn as a mule refusing to back down and if you don’t want to do something, then boy do we all know.
You may not have wanted to sleep early on, but you love your bed and sleep now and cuddle all your bears in bed – there is Bear, Bear Bear, Spare Bear (to wash against the other), Moon Bear and Red Bear who all have to go to bed with you and you take two on car journeys too.
You love to colour and read books, you like to tell me the story, in addition to having them read for you. Your imagination is vast and filled with a childish innocence. You have great fun at toddlers when it is sticking and gluing. In fact you are filled with a wonderful creativity. You love watching the moon on a night.
I would like you to remember that you were born of love and that I love you more than words can express. You have brought me so much joy and laughter. I am sure that you will grow up to be a fine man.
I like to think that I have been blessed to have been able to spend the precious early years of your life with you and hope that I have managed make a positive impact on you and shape the person that you are going to be. I hope that you have a strong sense of belonging and that you always remember how much I love you.
Remember to keep helping round the house, learn how to iron and cook and you will be a real catch. If you can be half the man your daddy is then I will be happy.
We have wanted to instil in you manners, morals and a sense of kindness and compassion. I would like you to take a look at the world and look for the best in it and in people and try to stay positive, even when times may be hard.
I would like you to try and develop a deep and constant friendship with your brother, family is important. It was the reason we return to the North East from Reading before you were born. So please keep in touch with all of them.
I hope the rest of your life is everything you want it to be. Hard things can and will happen and I know you will find ways to survive, be strong and learn. Daddy and Maxi will be great people to grow up with, lean on, rely on (and argue with sometimes!). I hope you will have a group of special friends to trust and eventually someone special to love. I hope you find work that satisfies and nourishes you. I hope your dreams come true – whatever they may be. And on the special days of your life, remember me and know that I am so proud of you and I am surrounding you with love.
It has been wonderful to share these years with you. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay. I'd have done anything to be able to. My love for you is so strong – nothing can break it, certainly not something as insignificant as death. My love will surround you, protect you, nourish you and support all the days of your life.
It is nearly one year since my first breast surgery. I was frantically trying to fit everything in that I needed to. I have booked 6 weeks of Tesco Deliveries, a book of all the things the boys liked, ate, did and schedules. But specifically the one thing I was doing a year ago was writing letters.
I wrote 4 letters and 3, I will share with you, the one I wrote to MadDad is not and never will be for public consumption, but I wrote one each to the boys and one explaining why i was doing what I was.
Writing those letters was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, but I was so unsure of the outcome of the surgery and so scare of dying I just needed the boys to have something to hold on to if the worst happened.
Letter One - Why I am doing this
BRACA and its implications to us all as a family
I wanted to explain to you both why I am undergoing the surgeries I am and how it can or could impact on our lives, both individually and as a family.
History
My Aunty C (Grandma’s sister) died of cancer when I was younger and it was a really hard time. My cousins were in their teens and it was really hard on them. Then Aunty T contracted Primary Peritoneal cancer, which thankfully at this time is in remission. Whilst she was undergoing her treatment a blood sample was taken for genetic testing due to her older sister having died of cancer and also the link of peritoneal cancer to both breast and ovarian cancer.
We all were over the moon when she was given the news that she was in remission and that the treatment had worked, but this was tempered with the news that she had a “spelling mistake” in the gene that is responsible for Breast and Ovarian cancer. Grandma was offered a test for the same genetic fault and she too was found to be positive and had her ovaries removed.
As Grandma was positive, I too was offered a blood and DNA test to see if I too carried the spelling mistake. Your daddy and I discussed the implications and we decided to have the test in January 2008. 6 weeks later I was given the news I expected which was that I too was positive.
We met with a number of doctors and consultants and researched lots and lots and finally after lots of soul searching made the decision to have prophylactic surgery.
All the research I had done indicated that removal of the ovaries before turning 35 was most beneficial in reducing the risk of both ovarian and breast cancer, so in July 2008 I underwent surgery to remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
I made a super recovery, I was driving two days later and went swimming with both you boys the week later.
We also discussed the prospect of a double mastectomy and reconstruction with an oncologist and plastic surgeon. There were a number of reasons that I chose to have this operation, even though it is quite a major one.
· Breast cancer is very hard to diagnose before 40 even with annual mammograms or MRI’s as the breast tissue is denser the younger you are.
· My risk of breast cancer is an 85% lifetime risk; a mastectomy reduces it to about 6%
· It is harder to diagnose BC correctly on larger breasted ladies.
So based on these facts and after talking to people who have had breast cancer and treatment for it, we decided to go ahead with the operation and it is scheduled for 27 February 2009.
There is a risk that I still may get an associated cancer and so will need to remain vigilant, but at least this way I am not living with a ticking time bomb.
The Future
Due to the operation I am having, I will need further operations in the future, but these will be a lot smaller and less risky.
One of the things that does upset me is that there is also a possibility that you both carry the “spelling mistake” or mutation too and this will have implications in your health and also the health of any children you may go on to have. You will both be offered the test at 16 and can make the decision yourself if you want to find out.
I hope that the way medicine is moving forward that the gene is now isolated that it can be repaired and that you will not even need to make any decision about your or future children’s health.
I am doing this so that we can all have a future as a family, so that I can watch you grow, develop and change without the worry that I may not be around much longer.
Maxi Mads Letter
Dearest Maxi
I so hope that you do not have to read this letter, but if you are it means that something terrible has happened.
I wanted you to know just how much you mean to me and how much I love you and your brother and daddy too.
You bring me such joy and amazement everyday and sometimes terrify me with your ability to remember the littlest thing. You always know what to say to make me smile and are the most amazing son a mother could have asked for.
I had a challenging pregnancy with you and then an eventful birth followed. You were a beautiful baby. I and your daddy were so sure that we would think you looked wonderful no matter what and we were right, but you defiantly prove the rule that the sum of the whole is greater than the two parts.
Sleep was not something you blessed me and daddy with and you gave us quite a scare when at 4 months old you developed breathing difficulties and have to be hospitalised and helped to breath. You were a fighter and pulled through, only to go downhill again a month later (the week before your baptism), but again you made a fantastic recover and got out of hospital the night before we travelled back to R for your joint Christening with V.
Your little brother Mini was born when you were 15 months old and all of a sudden you went from being an only child to being a big brother and you were and still do look after “your baby” and “Lee Lee” as you used to call him.
You have a natural ability for mathematics and puzzles and often can do them faster than me (not that I am any good at them).
I have always wanted for you to be happy and to enjoy life, to not be too burdened with the worries before your time. I want you to have a happy and carefree childhood and have enjoyed spending time on the beach with you and also taking you swimming on a weekly basis, in fact you are and always have been my water baby. You say you would like to be a “surfer dude” and will have all the rad moves.
You can be quite challenging, but that it down to the fact that you are bright as a button and if not kept occupied then can be very mischievous. Infact once you took all the glitter out of the craft cupboard and decorated the house.
You love your food and I love cooking for you and we have had great fun growing our own veg and fruit. We have a messy, but happy time in the kitchen baking and cooking together. We like to make muffins and pizza together and we love to all eat at the table as a family.
You can use a computer better than me and can beat all of us on the wii at MarioKart.
I have been lucky to have been able to remain off work and spend lots of time with you, watching you grow and develop, but also influencing (hopefully positively) the person that you are going to be.
I would like you to remember that you were born of love and that I love you more than words can express. You have brought me so much joy and laughter. I am sure that you will grow up to be a fine man.
Remember to keep helping round the house, learn how to iron and cook and you will be a real catch. If you can be half the man your daddy is then I will be happy.
e have wanted to instil in you manners, morals and a sense of kindness and compassion. I would like you to take a look at the world and look for the best in it and in people and try to stay positive, even when times may be hard.
I would like you to try and develop a deep and constant friendship with your brother, family is important. It was the reason we return to the North East from Reading where you were born. So please keep in touch with all of them.
I hope the rest of your life is everything you want it to be. Hard things can and will happen and I know you will find ways to survive, be strong and learn. Daddy and Mini will be great people to grow up with, lean on, rely on (and argue with sometimes!). I hope you will have a group of special friends to trust and eventually someone special to love. I hope you find work that satisfies and nourishes you. I hope your dreams come true – whatever they may be. And on the special days of your life, remember me and know that I am so proud of you and I am surrounding you with love.
It has been wonderful to share these years with you. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay. I'd have done anything to be able to. My love for you is so strong – nothing can break it, certainly not something as insignificant as death. My love will surround you, protect you, nourish you and support all the days of your life.
Mini's Letter
Dearest Mini
I so hope that you do not have to read this letter, but if you are it means that something terrible has happened.
I wanted you to know just how much you mean to me and how much I love you and your brother and daddy too.
You are a light in the dark sky, a fantastic son and a wonderful brother too. You made our family complete and have always enjoyed being my baby and had a special smile that you only use for me. When you were tiny you would only settle for me and secretly it was nice, especially as Maxi is such a daddy’s boy.
You were a very much planned for a wanted addition. We enjoyed Maxi so much that we wanted another child as soon as we could. We were blessed to have you so soon after trying.
You were gorgeous, just like your big brother, but you had a wonderful head of dark hair just like me. Again you were not a great sleeper initially, but I used to look at you and your big brown eyes and everything would be all right
You were and are such a placid little man, fitting right into our family, as though you had always been there. You were a proper little mimic and it seems as though you were talking from 6 months old and have a fantastic musical ability. You love to dance and you love The Wiggles more than you love me – or so you say. You love playing on your guitar and being a rock star.
As you grow, you seem to look more and more like your grandpa B and my one regret is that he has been unable to meet both you boys.
You have the ability to make even the sternest person smile and seen to bring happiness to everyone.
You have been blighted with my temper and are a stubborn as a mule refusing to back down and if you don’t want to do something, then boy do we all know.
You may not have wanted to sleep early on, but you love your bed and sleep now and cuddle all your bears in bed – there is Bear, Bear Bear, Spare Bear (to wash against the other), Moon Bear and Red Bear who all have to go to bed with you and you take two on car journeys too.
You love to colour and read books, you like to tell me the story, in addition to having them read for you. Your imagination is vast and filled with a childish innocence. You have great fun at toddlers when it is sticking and gluing. In fact you are filled with a wonderful creativity. You love watching the moon on a night.
I would like you to remember that you were born of love and that I love you more than words can express. You have brought me so much joy and laughter. I am sure that you will grow up to be a fine man.
I like to think that I have been blessed to have been able to spend the precious early years of your life with you and hope that I have managed make a positive impact on you and shape the person that you are going to be. I hope that you have a strong sense of belonging and that you always remember how much I love you.
Remember to keep helping round the house, learn how to iron and cook and you will be a real catch. If you can be half the man your daddy is then I will be happy.
We have wanted to instil in you manners, morals and a sense of kindness and compassion. I would like you to take a look at the world and look for the best in it and in people and try to stay positive, even when times may be hard.
I would like you to try and develop a deep and constant friendship with your brother, family is important. It was the reason we return to the North East from Reading before you were born. So please keep in touch with all of them.
I hope the rest of your life is everything you want it to be. Hard things can and will happen and I know you will find ways to survive, be strong and learn. Daddy and Maxi will be great people to grow up with, lean on, rely on (and argue with sometimes!). I hope you will have a group of special friends to trust and eventually someone special to love. I hope you find work that satisfies and nourishes you. I hope your dreams come true – whatever they may be. And on the special days of your life, remember me and know that I am so proud of you and I am surrounding you with love.
It has been wonderful to share these years with you. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay. I'd have done anything to be able to. My love for you is so strong – nothing can break it, certainly not something as insignificant as death. My love will surround you, protect you, nourish you and support all the days of your life.
