Sometimes Mothering is harder than hard

I have a neighbour, yes we all have them, but I have one who manages to make me feel terrible with just a single glance and a turn of phrase.  She is always beautifully turned out, drives a brand new sports car, runs her own successful business,  has a hot tub in the garden and one perfectly dressed nine year old boy who in her eyes can do no wrong.

So this morning when I am screaming at the boys like a fishwife to get in the car or we will be late, hollering my lungs out to leave the drink at home and just get in the car, who would it be that walks past.  Yes you guest it the PP neighbour (practical perfect) and she says "I see you are having issues with the boys again".

I didn't know how to respond to that so I just mumbled something about having to be somewhere and get the boys strapped in the car, but it stings, it really does.

The thing is she is right and the truth hurts, I have gone back to the screaming banshee I was before we underwent the trying to give shouting up for lent and I am ashamed.   We all seem to be shouting to be heard, I shout, therefore, the boys shout and I feel the need to shout loudest, it is a contest and it shouldn't be.

I have a temper, a really bad temper and it bubbles up inside until it explodes with a vengeance and I am tired.  Mini wasn't well yesterday and it meant that we had to cancel plans and spend the day in the house and the boys don't do well without their exercise.  But in truth this is an excuse, there is nothing I can say, I shouldn't be dragging myself down the boys level.

This morning things went from bad to worse, Mini had taken a drink in the car with him, which went everywhere as I drove round a corner far too fast (blackcurrant oh joy) and I started shouting again.  

I am really struggling to hold it together, to be the mother I want to be and should be.  I miss Mr Smudge desperately, I see him everywhere around the house, a carrier, a cushion on the sofa.  I am trying to do the best I can on very little money, even less sleep and be there for my mum too and life is hard.  

I am still waiting for the results to my test on the 7 July and have received nothing but excuses from the hospital as to why I haven't had them - The consultant is on holiday, the radiographer is on holiday, we haven't received the report from the radiographer, the file is on the consultants desk, his secretary is on holiday.  They are sick of me, I rang up this morning and have cried at the cover secretary.  I am tired, tired of all the waiting, the not knowing, the health issues I have to live with on a day to day basis.

Please don't think this post is a cry for attention, as I don't do that.  I am not looking for sympathy, I just wanted to get it all out and to try and writing does that for me. 

drowning

I am struggling at the moment, to find my get up and go, yes as per all the cliches it has got up and gone.

I had blood tests last week and I am already anemic again, my lips are splitting at the sides and the junior doctor who discharged me after my last transfusion didn't order the additional tests I needed, which means I still don't have a date for further investigations.

But my blood results showed that it is unlikely I have pernicious anemia as my B12 level was still up thanks too the injection I had received. 

I feel like sitting and crying, I keep asking why me, why my family.  Surely we have been through enough.  I am tired all the time, not the normal go and have a nap and everything will be alright tired.  No what I am experiencing is like walking through treacle. I am exhausted, but have lost the ability to find restorative sleep.

My temper is shot, I am usually patient with the boys but the anger I am experiencing is red hot.  I want to lash out and hurt people, I want to bang my aching arms in to the wall.  I want to sit and let all the red hot pain out through the tears which burn by checks as they fall.  

But it doest go, it remains seated firmly inside me,  making me no fun to be with.  This is not me, I don't recognise this person I am becoming.  Everything is too much trouble, to much effort.

I miss my caffeine, I miss my get up and go, I miss the all encompassing feeling of joy of doing something with the boys.  

My housework is getting on top of me, it is hard keeping up with my appointments, let alone my mums.  I am feeling terribly guilty as I have had to ask my brother to take mum to the consultants this week, as I can not find the time to take her alongside everything else I need to do.

Yesterday was also the first day back at school for the minimads and now I can not wait for the school holidays to come.  I missed them, my hear physically ached for them and couldn't wait to pick them up and have a big cuddle!

I fear I am drowning.

That Back to School Feeling

The boys have returned to school and Preschool today.  In the two child free hours I get, I was planning to take down the decdorations that are outside, but this is what the conservatory looked like at lunchtime today!!

I also failed to get to the bank to get the cash for MaxiMads dinner money and as he went to school in his shoes he wasn't allowed to play out in the snow - hmm I think that I kind of failed at being a great mummy this morning!

I was going to bring the Bin in once I got the boys home from school and bunkered down for the evening, but this is what it looks like outside.  So it can wait for MadDad coming home from work.

Yep our road is lethal, the frost has started already and we are forecast snow tonight and heavy snow on Wednesday.   MadDad got new tyres for his car today and will be taking mine tomorrow for new ones.  An expensive start to the month, but needs must!

I have a sausage casserole bubbling away, candles are lit and the house is all warm and cosy.  I have got the boys wellies, waterproof trousers and snow mittens (Tchibo 2 years ago) ready for the morning.  I will do better.  I will also get MadDad to pop to a cash point on his way home or write a cheque for the months school dinners!

Now where did I put MaxiMads homework book.......