Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality

11 years, an eternity some days, but a split second on others.

You are forever part of my life,

I love and live by the rules you instilled in me,

I learn each day how important you have been in moulding me.

I am your echo, your legacy.

As my children are mine, carrying with them a part of me and, therefore, a part of you.

I hope they grow in to great men like you were.

I refuse to live my life in anger at your early death,

instead I remember the days we had.

I remember feeling safe and cradled in your hands.

I remember joy and freedom.

You are my hero, my guiding star.

I love you Dad and miss you each and everyday.

11 Years ago Today

It was 6.30 am when the telephone rang, my first thought was who in earth could be calling at this time and punched MadDad to answer the phone (as it was on his side of the bed).

He did and then time just stood still. He turned to me as white as a sheet and with the words "there has been an accident, your Dad is in hospital. We need to leave now" the day stood still.

We lived in Berkshire at the time and my dad was in Middlesbrough General Hospital in the Intensive Care Unit over 320 miles away.  We got dressed, put the cats in their basket and drove stopping on the way to ring both works and explain that we were on the way to see my father.

We also had to make a call to The Mormon Temple at Preston as my brother was due to start his 2 year mission and we needed him to come and see dad too.

The journey home has never seemed so long and I have never ever played the CD again that played that day.

We got to the hospital before noon to find out that my mum had been with my father since the previous evening and that he was in an enforced coma, under heavy sedation and he had also been given drugs to paralyse him.

Everyday we went to the hospital to help with his care, hold his hand, read the paper to him and just chat.  I learned to shave him and got used to seeing him with all the wires and tubes and even the ventilator going in to his neck rather than his mouth.  I know what all the monitors meant and also what medication he was on.  We all waited with hope.

Until the morning of 4th November, when we made the heartbreaking decision to turn off the ventilator due to the consultants advice as my dad had sepsis. He never regained consciousness.    He died less than two minutes later in my mums, mine and MadDad's arms.  My brother couldn't watch and had just left the room.  

11 years ago today, I lost my father (rather than the day he died), the man I idolised and loved with every breath I took.  I miss him more every day.  I wish he could have met the boys, we named Maxi after him and I know he would love them just as much as I do.

RIP Mr Smudge

Yesterday we made the decision that we have been dreading making, but both knew was coming, we had to have our beloved cat Mr Smudge (our rather large and old white cat) put to sleep.

He was 15.  He was my first baby, one of two brothers that we got after I miscarried twins at 20 weeks 15 years ago.

He had been with us through thick and thin and we couldn't bear to see him deteriorate in this way and decided that the time had come to stop looking for what was wrong and let him die with dignity.  To save him from further pain, to learn to live with the pain that it meant for us.

So whilst me and the boys were out yesterday, MadDad took him to the farm vets and today we will be having a little funeral service for him, as requested by Mini.

MadDad will be digging a rather large hole in the garden and we will be laying both the cats to rest (as we lost Snowey 3 days before returning to the north east and had him cremated) in their blanket and placing a bird bath over the area.

I have to say both the boys were very brave, pragmatic and realistic about Mr Smudge dieing and being unwell.  Mini even want to see him before we bury him (we are undecided as what to do about that yet).

The thing is my heart is breaking.  I keep imaging I am seeing him round the house and I guess that feeling wont go away any day soon.

RIP Mr Smudge

June 1995 to 13 August 2010

What Makes a Mother?

 

Do you ever just look at your children and feel a tugging in your chest. A physical sensation of how much they mean to you?
Do you ever just want to hold them to tight, to squeeze the air out of them?
Do you ever want to spend an hour kissing them or stroking their baby-soft skins?
Do you ever tell them how perfect they are in every way possible and how much you love them?
Do you ever wonder who speeded up time now your a parent. How can another year have passed so quicky?
Do you let them know that you like them and enjoy being with them.
Do you ever sit when the house is silent and wonder what life was like before they came along?
Do you ever watch them sleep and wonder what they do in their dreams?

I look at my boys and my oh my, my heart skips a beat.
I look at my boys and get an overwhelming urge to breath in their smells and to lick their delicious skin.
I want to watch them walk around naked as children should, their perfect bums all peachy and adorable.
I enjoy mostly the minutes I spend in my children's company, they fill me with wonder and awe. I truly like them as people most of the time too.
I watch them as they sleep, the rhythm of their chests rising and falling brings me peace.
I listen as they chat to each other and laugh at their funny little ways.

So this is what it means to be a mother. Happy Mothers day to you all.

But this is also what it means to be a mother. My darling step neice lost her only child due to complications due to his Cerable Paulsy at seven months old and this will be her second mothers day without him, this is what she asked the vicar to read out at his funeral and it has haunted me ever since

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
 

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mummy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mum who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mummy set me free.

I miss my Mummy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mummy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mum